The University Blues

It's coming on to the colder, darker and sadder months. When school becomes unbearable and the end is hardly near and the only thing keeping you pushing is winter break which ends far too quickly. I still haven’t seemed to settle in the way I would have liked to and I’m not sure if I will. I think one aspect of university, which I find quite unsettling, is the impermanence of it all. I’m constantly day dreaming of buying an apartment in a city that I expect to live in for some years, committing to it and sure that this is the life I want to live. University seems like a weird limbo, an in between period before I get to where I want to be. This may seem like an obvious revelation but I’ve already been feeling that way for the last five years of my life and I thought this would be different. All the adults in my life made it sound like university is where you meet people similar to you, try new things, the best years of your life. I thought this was when life was supposed to begin, not another waiting room until the universe prescribes me with a ‘life fulfilled’ pill. When I begin to write it on paper, I feel my youth and naivety. I can’t expect all the eras of my life to top each other. Happiness isn’t an upward slope. But is it horrible to want University to feel like a start, a beginning? A launching pad to the rest of your life, to meet people who you know will be in the same city as you after university, who have similar interests, and be in a place you see yourself spending your whole life in, or at least the next four years. I just long for something tangible that assures me that I am on the right track, that everything I’ve ever wanted is on its way. I pray for the universe to bless me with decisiveness and assurance, two virtues I seem to lack. I think deep down I know what I want, but I am afraid to get it. Afraid to make the move, or that I will still be unhappy once I do it. But even so, deep down, I know.