Divinely Feminine

As I’m sitting here listening to Lorde, drinking tea and eating berries under candlelight, I can't help but think about how beautiful and girly I feel, in this very moment. I think about my feminine journey, my gender identity has been a roller coaster just like it has been for everyone. As I’ve gotten older I have definitely become more accepting of my feminine side. I have never been so thankful to get out of that common cycle that girls go through, of stifling our femininity just to feel more important or respected by those around you.

For so long I rejected femininity because I thought that people, specifically men, would respect me more or be attracted to me if I did so. It begins in middle school. Probably starts earlier but for now, I am going to say middle school. Boys start to strive towards manhood. The kind of manhood that includes hating women and conforming to what they believe is masculine. All interests that little twelve and thirteen year old girls love become silly, and little boys start to realize the power they hold, just by being a man, even if only subconsciously. Maybe you’ll dress less like a girly girl, forget pink, change your music taste and find any possible way to differentiate yourself from other girls. You strive to become the cool girl. Ew. There were so many parts of me I stifled in order to appear more attractive to men. I listened to music I didn’t like, pretended to be interested in mens stupid, unintelligent takes on various subjects and even dressed differently in hopes that I would get the attention that society taught me that I needed.

Television and movies convinced me that this should be my main motivation. I watched T.V shows like That 70s Show where girly characters like Jackie happened to also have the more unlikeable shallow personalities, whereas characters like Donna, were seen as the more down to earth option, who was also respected by all the guys around her. I watched movies like She’s the Man where the protagonist was a sporty girl who was “deep” and eventually got the guy in the end. Personally, at this point in my life, I would rather die than do any action that proves I have any sort of intention to “get the guy”, but you get the point. All these movies and shows gave us examples of what was cool and what wasn’t and molded our tiny, little, developing, adolescent brains into thinking that this was right.

Over the years my mindset has changed and after having MULTIPLE, less than satisfying interactions with men, I no longer feel bound by the goal to please them. I feel so much more accepting of myself and other women. I’m not afraid to listen to pop music, indulge in a little bit of makeup or paint my nails. I also want it to be clear that participating in these “feminine” things is not the determining factor of what makes a woman. If you identify as a woman you are a woman, PERIOD. I also would like to state that this cycle is a small part of a much bigger problem. With that said, I am so thankful that I have been able to reject, even a little part of the many aspects of the male gaze. The male gaze is one of the most detrimental non-material confines in our society to women AND men (I will be expanding in another post). With this hill climbed I feel so much more confident and free. I feel so content, being part of a strong union of women each beautiful in their own ways and am able to connect with other women like never before . I am so proud to look at my accomplishments and interests and say that I am like every other divinely feminine, beautiful girl.